A Heartbeat Away

At the nation's most critical turning point in living memory, the worst president in U.S. history has chosen the worst running mate in U.S. History.

Donald J. Trump is the oldest candidate ever to run for President of the United States. No matter how many times he attempts to portray himself as robust and indefatigable, we’ve all witnessed him in those moments of truth — makeup melting in the desert sun, or struggling to walk down a ramp, or loping towards his golf cart because he can’t walk the course.

We’ve heard those phone calls into Fox News in the early morning hours when he, of all people, could easily arrange for a video live shot. But his vanity won’t allow that before he spends hours arranging and lacquering the remaining wisps of spun sugar on his scalp and applying the ever-present orange putty in some vain attempt to disguise his haggard face.

When he does deign to make a public appearance these days, his increasingly indecipherable collections of non sequiturs and unrelated rambling anecdotes reveal that he’s barely capable of running a retirement home bingo game, much less leading the most powerful nation in the wor…